Ascendant: Hello, is this Paragon Medical Insurance?
Ascendant: Great. Look, I'm calling about - -
Ascendant: Ascendant.
Ascendant: No, with an 'A'. D-A-N-T. I'm calling because - -
Ascendant: My policy number is 5403304-323B3. Look, I'm calling about - - -
Ascendant: Sure… 1-800-4-ASCEND. Anyway, I wanted to talk - -
Ascendant: I wear an 11 1/2, I think, but what does that have to do with - -
Ascendant: Hold Music: - - land she rode, On a pony she named Wildfire, A whirlwind - -
Ascendant: Hello? Yes, I've been on hold for - -
Hold Music: - - the pony she named Wildfire busted down his stall - -
Ascendant: Hello? No, don't put me on hold aga - -
Hold Music: She ran calling Wiiiiild fire, Calling Wiiiiild - -
Ascendant: Ok, thanks, that's better. I'm calling about the HMO plan.
Ascendant: I'm on the Platinum Extreme Double Secret Maximum Super Care Plan…
Ascendant: No, the basic one.
Ascendant: Well, I've got some problems with it, specifically your doctors.
Ascendant: Ok, as I understand it, the only way I can get insurance to cover my medical bills is if I visit a program-approved doctor, right?
Ascendant: That's what I thought. But I'm have some concerns about the doctors you keep recommending.
Ascendant: Well, I think some of them may be working for the Vahzilok…
Ascendant: Yes, I'm sure Paragon Medical Insurance has a great screening process, but I'm still a bit suspicious about some of your doctors.
Ascendant: Well, Dr. Mort I. Ficator, for one.
Ascendant: I don't care if he has great credentials, I think he works for the Vahzilok.
Ascendant: Well, for starters, don't you think it's a little odd that his offices are in the sewers?
Ascendant: Yes, I'm sure that rent must be very cheap…
Ascendant: Yes, I guess it is also very convenient to superheroes on sewer missions, but - -
Ascendant: Fine, Ok… Well what about the fact that all of his staff is made up entirely of Abominations wearing nurse's outfits?
Ascendant: No, they were Abominations.
Ascendant: Look, I think I know the difference between a hideous biomechanically-animated corpse and a big-boned woman…
Ascendant: Uh huh… I see… Ok…
Ascendant: Well, I guess they *could* have been from Wisconsin…
Ascendant: Ok, what about the fact that every time I've visited Dr. Ficator, he recommends removing my organs?
Ascendant: No, all of them.
Ascendant: Yes, even those.
Ascendant: How could that possibly be a safe medical treatment?
Ascendant: Well, I'm not a doctor, either, but - -
Ascendant: Yes, I tried asking for a second opinion. He referred me to his colleague, Dr. K. Daver.
Ascendant: No, his offices were in the next sewer over.
Ascendant: No, Dr. Daver didn't really suggest anything, he just kept rubbing his hands together and mumbling about my delicious brain.
Ascendant: I'm sorry, what was that?
Ascendant: What do you mean, nothing?
Ascendant: No, I'm pretty certain when I said 'Brain' just then, you said, 'Mmm… brain'.
Ascendant: There! You just did it again!
Ascendant: Yes you did.
Ascendant: Ok… Brain!
Ascendant: See! Right there!
Ascendant: Wait a minute! I know what's going on here! Dr. Vahzilok has somehow infiltrated Paragon Medical Insurance - -
Hold Music: - - She ran calling Wiiiiild - - Fire!! Calling Wiiiild - - Fire!! Calling Wiiii-ii-iii-iiild - - Fir - -
Ascendant: Hello? Who am I talking to?
Ascendant: Ok, Mr. Dolon, listen very carefully. I have reason to suspect that the person I was just talking with is working for Dr. Vahzilok. You need to calmly exit the building - -
Ascendant: What do you mean, of course he does?
Ascendant: Your entire staff does?
Ascendant: Ok… Yes… Sure…
Ascendant: I never thought about it, but sure, I guess replacing your office staff with the undead would save a lot of money in the long run, but - -
Ascendant: Uh huh… Ok… Right…
Ascendant: Well, it's terrifically immoral for one thing. Some might say it's downright evil.
Ascendant: Why are you laughing?
Ascendant: Ok, hehe, yeah, I guess for a moment I *did* forget I was talking to an Insurance Company. Point taken.
Ascendant: I'm still going to have to report you to the authorities, though.
Ascendant: Look, stop laughing, this is serious.
Ascendant: If you think the government is just going to stand around while some huge corporation puts the population at danger for the sake of making a quick buck - -
Ascendant: I'm going to ask you one last time to stop laughing.
Ascendant: Fine, you're right. Who am I kidding?
Ascendant: Well, how about you at least give me a break on my rates then? Say, like 10%?
Ascendant: (click) Hello?
Ascendant: Hello?

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